As factotum

As factotum I’m required to do everything,
And, sometimes it seems, everyone.
From mustering up some hearty dindins,
To polishing the platters once its done.

I wash the bird muck from the castle walls,
I dredge the moat for anything that falls.
I test only the most disgusting foods,
Like cat’s spleen, dog hair and rat stools.

I stand and take blows to the chest,
For fun, to fill bored time and space.
I am made to pose and walk in dress,
Following bouts of alcoholic excess.

I’m sent to hide in hide and seek
And am not found for days on end
I’ve stood as a scarecrow for one week,
And got punished because my odour offend-

ded- whenever I test the toilet pole
It always breaks and downward I fall,
Whenever I go out to catch moles
I nearly get hit by cannon balls.

And once I was sent out to find a fishcat,
They like to play tricks on me like that.
The sort I don’t quite get for some reason,
And to question only gets called treason.

So unquestioningly I carry right on,
Hoping day each for nothing too nasty.
For I doubt I’ll ever get my fight on,
Or raise my voice ‘til it becomes raspy.

Because I am slave factotum,
Because I make up the bottom.
For me rights have not been invented,
I wait for the world to be inverted.