A neutral state (away from it all)

give me music

that fills the very air,

but doesn't go anywhere.

fill my mind

with a canvas that is clear,

all space a void, nothing to fear.

set me apart,

away from the crowds, confusion -

place me in a bubble, allow me seclusion.

stop my time.

pause it; or place me alongside,

for a while let me ride a new tide.

and take my pain,

and all of my pleasure release,

let the numbness inside me increase.

then leave me outside,

somewhere like a waiting room:

a place that is no place; but not a tomb -

i’ll walk away in a moment,

let me go quietly vent;

give me time to recharge,

give me time to ferment -

because too many times,

always the same;

they take away everything,

leave me in shame.

so take me to a neutral state where

black runs into white and white into black,

where i can’t be seen and i can’t look back,

with no good and no evil, no love and no spite,

where white runs into black and black into white -

just;

take this mask,

let me show you my face.

and,

for a time; give me some space,

take me away from it all.

i no longer wish 

to man my stall.

(Still) No Ratiocination

In Fallen leaves, I am simply not capable of ratiocination, or Autumn trees.
With Hands muffling, No matter how much I employ determination or Feet shuffling
Or Hearts racing, I can never maintain a train of thought with Eyes facing
For Warming days: However hard the battle is fought for Changing ways.
Never faking, Always flitting from one thing to the next, Always shaking,
I Fear rules: From films to pictures to music to text, I’m Never nude,
A Born Worrier, I cannot stay focused, A Brow furrower,
I Show concern as My mind’s too footloose, I Never learn.

The Dark Warrior will rise but thrice,
The Dark Warrior will takeover twice.
The Dark Warrior will attack from every angle,
The Dark Warrior will rise through dark triangles.

From chocolate hits, to cream that is whipped,
I’m Scatological to the extreme,
Cake and all things sweet:
Cola, caramel and sugar beet
Means Thinking about it is a constant stream.
Veg and meats for Sunday roast,
Hot, buttered and jammy toast:
I’m worrying always about its state,
About the toilet bowl’s sorry fate.
Muffins, crumpets, scones and cheese:
What actions will bring which reactions,
Crisps, crackers, sausage please!
While eating, it’s a constant distraction:
Thoughts of food I do desire,
Set my stomach’s lust on fire.
Yet Thoughts of what will follow haunt me,
Focusing my mind, they often daunt me.

The Dark Warrior will not exist,
The Dark Warrior will of mist consist.
The Dark Warrior may still power retain,
The Dark Warrior’s future is uncertain.

You see
My Mind snaps, (Bodies writhing),
Eternally.
My Mind cracks, (Sweat sliding),
Infernally.
Synapse strain: (Interlocking)
Head in pain,
This compulsion: (Freely fucking)
My propulsion.

---

Originally written for this blog, re-written for entry in The Bridport Prize, 2013.

While you are away, my darling

While you are away, my darling, I stare into the
space in our rooms
And I take and I fill and I arrange particles of
air into rows
And columns and build a perfect image of you from feet to
face and I zoom
To each part I would like to tenderly kiss from
hair down to toes.

But kiss nothing.

While you are away, my darling, I lie on our bed
upon my side
And I imagine you are lying sweetly beside me
bowled-eyes meeting.
I imagine so, that I feel your presence and warmth
upon my thigh
Until, believing you are here, I reach out to
hold you tightly.

But hold nothing.

While you are away my darling, I play dangerously
with my mind.
It fills the voids with substance, with radiance, light:
fairy lights.
And it clouds my judgement by tricking my senses:
makes me blind.
Until I inflate it up ‘til it bursts once the bubble’s
far too tight.

And I’ve nothing.

When you return, my darling, I shall build for us
A hundred mattress high bed to set us aloft, apart
And, in your true form, we shall lie together
Content to be lying, meeting eye to eye, forever.

I’ll have everything.

---

Written for entry in The Bridport Prize, 2012